Most people abandon the pursuit of more in the name of acceptance when they realize this, or they abandon acceptance in the pursuit of something more. The trick is, we don’t abandon either. We learn to embrace BOTH.
Most “power” in this world attempts to project an image of invulnerability. Of being “on top of it”, of having it dialed and under control and all figured out and in line. And it’s got the structure and strategies and rules and regulations to keep this all safe in place.
Even though deep down we all know that even the best laid plans are often foiled by life’s inherent instability.
But that doesn’t stop people from projecting an image that they’ve got it all under control. And that is very, very attractive. Because it makes people feel more safe, and like somebody’s got it all figured out at least, because they certainly don’t, so they can put their confidence in those people instead.
For most of my life I have believed that power looked like FIRE. And WILL. And STRENGTH. And a kind of ultimate SELF-CONFIDENCE. I saw this in the old masculine structures, and also in the newly rising feminine.
I thought that THAT is the kind of energy that gets. shit. done. I thought that that was the kind of energy you need to master life, and money, and all the things.
But I couldn’t help but notice I didn’t have that kind of confidence. Not even remotely. I didn’t have that same fire. And when I did, when I had tried that fire on to feel more powerful, I felt like I was performing, instead of just being myself. In other words, it took a lot of energy.
Being yourself doesn’t take a lot of energy. Being someone else, or some image you’re supposed to be... DOES.
It is here that some may say: “well, that’s because you were not embodying real and true confidence in yourself, and if you did, you would feel and be that fire!”
And while I respect that viewpoint and opinion to whomever may believe that, I know that that is not my truth.
For some people that kind of fire may be the most natural thing in the world to them, they may feel most like themselves in that energy, because it’s their element perhaps, their very nature. But for me it feels like the opposite. For me, it feels exhausting.
Because MY energy is more like water. What feels more natural to me, is flow. And I have pushed against that fact for far too long, trying to be what I wasn’t.
My truth is that I DON’T have ultimate self-confidence.
Because I notice that that ‘self’, that that refers to—the PERSON and ego and its thoughts, opinions and judgements—are ephemeral and always-shifting. It is constantly flipping and flopping on what it thinks it wants and needs in order to be okay.
That self is frankly all over the map, and most of the time highly confused. And I recognize that. I recognize the impermanence and fleetingness of that self. That doesn’t mean I don’t HONOR that self FULLY, it just means I don’t let it guide me.
So I don’t have a lot of “self” confidence, in that regard.
But what I do have is a lot of spirit confidence. Soul confidence. ‘Life’ confidence. Confidence in the larger reality of me that lives at my center and does not move. Confidence in the part of me that knows before I know, and sees before I see, and IS the bigger picture.
That is what I have confidence in.
Because everything else is like castles built on sand, to me.
So my confidence is not in what I think or understand with my intellect, but what I FEEL, not with my emotions, but with my whole BEING.
It’s a totally different kind of power.
It’s the power of just being who I am, with unconditional trust in my direction. Even when I don’t understand it, and even when things aren’t how I think they should be. Even when I have a really hard time with that.
There is always that deeper trust in life, and who I really am. And THAT is the one I let guide me.
In our society we don’t consider that kind of trust power, we consider it weakness. How can you trust what you don’t completely know and can’t control? Which is why we all have trust issues with eachother as well, we attempt to control our partners, children, family and friends just as much.
But my question to that is: how can we not trust it? When clearly we don’t have a choice. Life didn’t require our trust to do what it’s done. To create our very existence! But what could it do if we did trust it?
My own life has been an ongoing experiment in that, and so far it’s been a beautiful ride—however painful many moments may have been—the depth of love and joy and magic has always been worth whatever waves it took to get there.
But the majority of people do not believe the power of love and trust could really be effective at creating a beautiful life. Well, not one with success or money, anyway.
Which is why people use force, fear and scarcity to sell or to become successful, because they are terrified that without it you cannot possibly thrive. And they believe that if you’re not willing to do it, you won’t thrive.
But it’s a lie. That’s just a lens we’ve been collectively looking through for ages. When we take that lens off, we stop living that lie, and we create a new way, here and now.
Nobody had to control, force, threaten or manipulate anyone for this earth and all her stunning beauty to be born. Nobody had to control, force, or manipulate wildflowers into blooming, snow into falling, or your lungs into taking their next breath.