Much of my life over the past couple of decades has been like a game of dare between me, and me. Between my old self and my new self. Between who I really am, and who I THINK I am. Between my soul and my societal conditioning.
Sometimes it seems like it’s between me and “the world”, or me and “reality”, or me and “the rules” but it’s still and always only ever between me and me.
The game goes something like this:
Me: “I want to do, be, or have this” (insert something I’ve never done, been, or had)
My Conditioning: “Are you fucking nuts? There is no way that that is ever going to happen. You cannot do that!”
Me: “Yes I can.”
My Conditioning: “No, you really can’t. Look at ___________________.” (insert ten thousand examples of possible ruin and failure and really reasonable seeming practical reasons why I cannot)
Me: “So? Watch me.”
My Conditioning: “Get your head out of the clouds and out of your ass woman!! Deal with the realities of life like everyone else – stop all this airy-fairy nonsense!”
Me: “No thanks. I like airy-fairy nonsense. Also, following my dreams and heart has worked out pretty well for me.”
My Conditioning: “Oh really?! What about ______________?!!” (insert every time I fell short, failed, got rejected, etc. held up as examples)
Me: “Yes, but STILL, here I am, further along towards everything I’ve dreamed than I was before I dreamed any of that. Enjoying more freedom, more peace, and more love, joy, and adventures (and money) than I ever had before I dared all that. I was still held every step of the way. Even when it seemed like it WOULDN’T be okay. Even when it got super dicey.”
My Conditioning: “Why do you always have to live on the edge? Why can’t you just settle down and reign it in a little? Must you always dream bigger? It’s too hard!”
Me: “You wanna know what’s hard? Trying to be “normal” when I know I’m not, trying to fit in where I clearly don’t, trying to stuff and stifle my irrepressible fire and zest for life and the bending of limitations, and thinking I’m some kind of freak for wanting to venture and explore outside the lines. Or believing I can only do A, B, or C and that I am limited by what I see or am told by others. That’s what’s fucking hard. I did that stint for a decade or two and it almost killed me, I am so totally over that, no thank you.”
My Conditioning: “Godddddd. Okay fine. If you insist! But you are totally responsible for this if/when you beef it hard!”
Me: “Good. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Besides every single one of those beef’s turned into roses in time, and you know it. I’ll gladly accept the honor of having created a life of roses with a few beef’s on the way.”
My Conditioning: *rolls eyes* … “Showoff.”
Me: “Absolutely, sweetness. Get on board and support me or get in the back seat and out of my way.”
My Conditioning: “Hmfff. Fine.” … takes seat in the back reluctantly and crosses arms* … “At least avoid the insanely large potholes please.”
Me: “Will do.”
What matters in this game is that the real me always wins. And the reason why she wins is because SHE PLAYS. That’s it. That’s the secret. The voice of our conditioning will always have us sit out the game, and not even try, or keep trying, but as the long as the real you plays, SHE WINS.