A while back, I went to the hairstylist, having just come out of the shower a few hours before and not having done anything with my naturally curly/wavy hair.
My hairdresser took one look at me and said, “Is this what your hair naturally does? Why are we fighting this???”
I laughed and said, “YES. Why ARE we fighting this indeed.”😂
It was such a perfect metaphor for exactly where I was at in my life in that moment. My hair was speaking to me about myself and mirroring where I was at with myself on SO MANY LEVELS.
Two days before I’d come to see her, my hair was absolutely shot. It was a dry and tangled, unruly mess. It was flat and limp and looked, well, SPENT. Utterly and totally spent. Exhausted.
During the pandemic, I had actually started experimenting with the curly girl method and letting my hair (and myself) go back to my most natural state of being (on every level).
But then, when it got closer to my book launch, I started blow-drying and straightening and curling with a curling wand again instead, and coloring after that long break from coloring it because my “natural self” was just not going to be good enough.
I started unconsciously hustling for my worthiness.
And two days before said appointment with my hair person, my hair had hit its wall and had enough (and so had I). It was overwhelmed, over-processed, and absolutely parched. So I got out of the shower and let it be.
And I could INSTANTLY see and feel the difference. It just seemed “happy” if you know what I mean. It looked relaxed and so much healthier so fast. I was honestly shocked.
It didn’t look perfect by any stretch, and since I didn’t even help out my curls with curl styling, it didn’t look amazing or anything, but it just looked healthier and happier and more full of water—as in, I could tell it was retaining that life-giving water, instead of being so completely parched.
Now, I don’t style my hair every day anyway, not by a mile. I live a pretty relaxed existence on the physical level and don’t get out much. But when I do have somewhere to go, I style it and do the whole routine. So it was not the amount of time that I was doing this to my hair, and previously my hair had tolerated it just fine, but NOW it was just not having it.
That hit home with me so much too. As I deepen into this ever-unfolding spiritual journey, I find that things I used to tolerate fine, I just can’t do anymore. Things that used to feel okay, then suddenly don’t. Things that didn’t utterly exhaust me and leave me parched, then suddenly do. My tolerance to pretend goes radically down with each leg of the journey.
My hair was no longer willing to pretend… and neither was I.
But I had to exhaust the both of us first, to find out that I can’t do that anymore. I can’t push myself around and run myself ragged trying to make sure people don’t think the worst of me. I know and love myself too much for that now.
Now that doesn’t mean I’ll never style my hair again, but it means I’m leaning into my natural self more and more in all the ways. In my business, in my life, in my relationships, with money, and in every other way…
I’m leaning into the beauty of the BOUNTY of
who I really am.
I’m not going to fight it anymore.
My hair was showing me that when I fight to get things from the outside, I will always end up SPENT. But when I just let go and let myself BE, that beauty and natural bounty shines through.
It was already here all along!
We find it when we let ourselves BE.
Some may think this is a natural by-product of aging, just caring less what people think. And certainly, that’s part of it, but for me, it goes way deeper than that. For me, it’s that the closer you get to your real self (god/source), the less you can tolerate believing you’re anything less than that, and the more and more it hurts whenever you do.
I wasn’t working myself into a tizzy because I wanted people to think I was pretty. I was working myself into a tizzy because I didn’t want people to think I was stupid, crazy, irresponsible, or a failure (and I wanted them to think I was pretty). 😂 So I had to go inside and love those things. I had to go inside and love the places in me I wanted to “straighten out” and “style accordingly”; those places I wanted to just “get in line” instead of love.
So what parts of you can you not love? What feelings can you not give love to? What parts have you running around trying to make sure that you’re NOT THAT, NEVER THAT!??? And can you bring love to those places?