May 8, 2022

You Are Held

White flower in the background and text -  you are held

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The thing that I love about writing so much, is that for me, it’s like a key to unlock many doors. It’s a way of accessing different dimensions.
Not fictional dimensions, but real ones. Tangible ones I can FEEL in every fiber of my being. One minute I’m here on my chair clicking keys, and the next minute I’m in a whole other world.
I am always so delighted by what I find there in these worlds. They feel like transmissions. And I get to decipher them like morse code or something, wave upon wave of imperceptible information flows in and takes shape before my eyes.
It is magic. It is absolute, utter, magic. ✨
It brings forth clarity on things that I’ve been taught to believe, but don’t feel right to me. And I realized recently that many of my posts are me just alchemizing things that don’t feel right to me, and burning them down to their core, and my truth.
One of those things that I’ve been working with lately, is yet another layer of the belief that we’re on our own. Here’s how that belief looks and sounds in this world:
• buck up
• figure it out
• make a plan and stick to it
• you need to take care of yourself
• you need to figure it out yourself
• you can only really rely on yourself
• you need to make it work
• pull it together
• get over it
• let it go
All of these things are expressions rooted in our patriarchal society’s constant push to individuate to extremes and CONTROL by force of fear with survival and achievement as the driving motivation.
They completely ignore the interconnectedness of all things, and disrespect our relationship to eachother, the earth, the universe, and the divine. They ignore a vaster intelligence at play, one that we not only ALL have access to, but are ALL unique expressions of.
We are not on our own. We do NOT take care of ourselves. That is a fact.
I can pretend that I do, but if sun blows out or the water all dries up, it’s not up to me is it. I can try to take care of myself til the cows come home in that scenario and it ain’t happening. Which means we don’t need to be in control at all (cause we’re not and we never were)… we need to be in TRUST.
Well, we don’t need to be, but it sure as heck makes life more beautiful when we do.
The truth is we are held, loved and supported whether we see it or not. Whether we know it or not! In myriad ways… and that holding and support doesn’t stop coming when you’re feeling sad, angry, lost, confused or ungrateful. It doesn’t even stop coming when you when you’re having a freakin’ tantrum because things aren’t going your way (we’ve all been there!).
As long as you’re breathing, 
grace is all around you.
Grace is the earth under your feet, the air in your lungs, and the blood and water in your veins. Grace is the sun in the sky and the rain that pours straight out of it, getting stored in the ground for us to tap, what a miracle!
And grace doesn’t stop being with you when you’re no longer breathing either, of course, but once you stop breathing it’s probably safe to say that your BLINDERS to grace come ALL THE WAY OFF.
About a month ago I did a hypnotherapy session where we were taken back to recall the very first and earliest memory we could recall where we first felt we could not trust ourselves
I had no idea what I would see and at first I saw nothing, but then all of a sudden I FELT and saw something very real to me. But it totally surprised me what it was and was not at all what I was expecting.
I was maybe 4 years old, standing in my bathing suit next to one of those little plastic kiddie pools on my grandparents deck, I was very aware that I was not in the pool yet but I wanted to get in but I could not get in because no adults were around, and I could see the adults in my head saying “do not ever go in the pool without an adult watching you, do not ever get in the water without an adults approval and supervision.”
My little water-loving-self wanted to dive right in (like I still do!), but I couldn’t and I internalized the adult voices to mean that I was not to be trusted to do things without someone else telling me it’s okay, and that I am safe. If someone else says it’s safe and okay, I can dive in. Until then, I can’t.
And that was the very first time I understood that I couldn’t be trusted without other people’s agreement and approval, and so began a lifetime of doing just that.  
Of course my parents and grandparents were just trying to protect me from dying because they loved me! It was right to do so! I was just being shown the first time I felt I couldn’t trust.
But that’s not the part I want to share with you in this post… 
The part I want to share with you is that in this memory/vision I was very aware that the 4 year old me could physically SEE angels/spirits/guides all around her and she knew they were watching out for her, and so she was really confused being told she was NOT safe when she knew she absolutely was. And that is probably when she closed her ability to perceive such things, because she thought she alone couldn’t be trusted, and so could not trust what she felt or knew.
That totally blew my mind and I didn’t really know what to make of it!
I still don’t know how real that was or not, whether it was just a subconscious visual symbolic representation of the KNOWING of my divine connection and always-safety that I knew I had at that time, or whether I actually could physically SEE angels and spirits at that age, I don’t know, and it’s not important.
What is important is that my wise little self KNEW I was held, she KNEW she was going to be okay always no matter what, she knew she was not “alone” the way we think of it in this world, she knew she was supported and looked after and I STILL know that!
That is what rang out like a bell in the night in that memory/vision.
I remembered that I STILL KNOW THAT now, deep down.  I just learned not to trust it, and I covered it over with trying to fit in, and be cool, and be liked, and be loved… and I looked to other people to be my safety, instead of that knowing.
But the beautiful thing about earth is, other people DO get to make us feel safe and loved and take care of us and us them — AND — we can hold that deep knowing. That deep knowing of our ultimate safety, beyond all time and space.
And with that we can learn to relax ever-deeper in the arms of this life, and that love.
I realize I may have just become “that crazy angel lady” to you, 😂🤣 and if so that’s more than okay. 😂🤣 The mystery remains the mystery to me, but I trust myself and I am no longer willing to harm myself  to try and meet others approval of me. 
So I figured if we’re gonna move ahead on this journey together, you might as well know the truth about me…
So hi 👋 , I’m Sunni and I don’t believe I have to do it all on my own, and I do believe I am divinely assisted at every step, and I ask the divine mother and my angels and guides to help me with everything from healing old wounding, to transforming my anger into clarity, to helping me find a gas station or clasping my necklace in the back! 🤣🤣🙏 ✨
The most preciously beautiful moments of my life have come since I opened that door back up, and I’m just not willing to pretend that’s not real to me anymore.
I mean I know I’m not exactly in the woo-closet anymore, I’ve been cracking the door open for awhile now, as you’ve probably noticed 😅… but I guess this is me blasting that door officially off the hinges. 😂🤣
I realized that if I were to do anything less it would be like attempting to teach people to bake a cake without any kind of sweet. And I mean, sure, you can make a cake without sweet, but it won’t be that much fun!!
That is what a life without this connection to the divine would be for me. A not very much fun cake. A cake that’s just “meh”. Something you could eat, that could sustain you, but wouldn’t feel very delicious and would be severely lacking in delight! 
Same goes for business and money creation, and ALLLL of the practical things.
The practical things can have as much magic if we let them. You are held in those places too. It just requires you to step into a different part of your being. And there is nothing I want to share with you that doesn’t include that part.
We’re not baking “meh” cakes here! We’re baking decadent luscious beautiful cakes that delight you and are still somehow nourishing to every fiber of your being! We’re baking shame-free cakes. Can you imagine??
Let’s START imagining and creating shame free futures for us all… simply by being all of who we are right here, right NOW.
No matter where you are right now, or what you’re moving through: you are held, you are supported, you are enough, and there IS enough for you to have all that you need, and so so much more than you are even currently able to imagine.
See what I mean about writing unlocking different dimensions?? I believe we’ve just stepped through to an entirely new one.
😉 ✨
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