August 24, 2019

I Choose You.


I had an incredible breakthrough recently. Like a holy-freaking-hell kind of breakthrough… MULTIPLE BREAKTHROUGHS.


But at the bottom of all those breakthroughs was something very simple, and that simple thing was a small but growing voice saying: “I choose you.”


A message sent from myself, to the child inside.


You see, all my life I’ve felt I had to choose, choose everyone and everything first. If I chose one thing, I’d have to lose the other. So no matter what I’d win, I’d always LOSE.


And no matter what I lost or won,
I always lost ME.


The ways that I then manifested this pattern in my life and business would blow. your. mind. A constant cycle of win-lose. Full-empty. Boom-bust. Feast-famine.


I learned to choose things and people above myself because I thought it would bring me what I need to do so. I thought it made me good, and right and kind.


But my kindness did not include me… and that festered like a gaping wound.


I learned to choose giving over receiving because I thought I didn’t matter as much, and that it made me more valuable, and that giving is more holy than receiving. I thought it made me good, and right, and kind.


But that kindness didn’t include what others give, and want to give me… and that festered too.


Why would I rob them of such a joy?? Because I’d rob it of myself, that’s why, and what I wouldn’t allow myself to receive, I could not truly give.


I still did not feel worthy. And because I felt that, I betrayed and abandoned myself in ten thousand different ways.


So what does it look like to show yourself you’re worthy? How do you do that? And what does that have to do with your business?


It looks like choosing something for yourself OUTSIDE of what others will deem you valuable for. Outside of productivity, outside of hard work, outside of thinness, prettiness or pleasingness, outside of achievements that are done to prove your value, outside of being an amazing parent, wife, husband or friend. It looks like choosing some things JUST for you.


What love of yours are you not counting because it’s not gonna get you anything but the pure love and joy of it??  What love of yours are you not counting because it’s not gonna earn you more love and approval outside yourself??


What love of yours, that you claim is “just for you”, are you really just USING to try to earn your worth?


All the other things have their place and their time, they are FINE, but what’s just for your own JOY that you’re not immediately giving away in some way? Even if a huge part of your joy is sharing (like me!)… are you worthy of something truly JUST FOR YOU and your pleasure??


This hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized I was spending my journaling time turning them immediately into posts or sharings I could use to help others, and when I was on the massage table the other day thinking about my clients the whole time and how I should help more women to get care like this. This time, this RARE time that’s supposed to be JUST for me to receive care, I was STILL trying to turn into something for someone else. 🤦🏻‍♀️


Because it was the only way I thought I deserved to receive it. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️💔


There is nothing wrong with wanting to share all that, and I fully intend to still do so outside of my own time for just me, but at the bottom of all that is a GLARING RED FLAG that says to me: they are worth that, but not you.


And even deeper than that? A glaring red flag that shows me that somewhere in there I’m thinking I need to “save” people. Ugh. FACEPALM TO THE MOON!! 🤯🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️


That not only disrespects them and their journey, it totally and utterly disrespects mine too.


It makes me think I know what they need (when I DON’T) and makes me think I don’t deserve what I need (when I DO). It totally disrespects the work I’ve done to bring me here to where I am, and it totally disrespects their work to go where they’re going, or their choice not to do that, which is entirely their own.


I know this seems like a light example, and it is, but what I want you to see about it, is that when we don’t fully value who we are, we don’t fully value the work that we’ve done to get-to and BE where we are, and when we don’t value that, we can’t RECEIVE that value back in our lives or our businesses. We block it out.   


So today, I asked my little girl inside what SHE would like to do, and she said that she wants to go swimming. And she wants to dance it out at some point. And that neither of those things be about exercise, calorie burning, checking off a to-do list, or a “healthy thing to do” list, or ANY of that, but JUST for fun, and I said “girrrrrlllllll… DONE!” ✅


I could have so easily told her there’s no time for that. It’s impractical. It’s a waste of energy I should be using for something else. I could so easily not do that, claim I’m too busy, and with my action show her (once again) that she is not important to me. And by doing so, send a clear message to myself, that me and my own JOY is not important to me.


But I won’t. Never again. And what THAT will now make manifest in my life will blow. my. mind.


What happens to the count when you finally COUNT YOURSELF?
Magic. That’s what.


Listen, I know there are hurdles. I know there is real-life crap, and that time and current limitation is a real thing. But if you want to bend and shift those limitations… you’ve got to make yourself count.


Start small. Just say to your little lost self:


I got you sweetheart.
I. choose. you.






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