February 9, 2020

Make Me A Home


I have a dream of a new home. A beautiful home. Surrounded in nature, no neighbors nearby. A home near a lake or a river. It is light and bright and spacious. It is full of beautiful details, aged wood and stone, textured white plaster, tile and copper details, brushed metal hardware and large picture windows.


There is a natural stone pool (heated), where I can swim, everyday (if we’re not familiar, I’m part fish, just ask my loved ones). The kitchen is wide and opens to the house, and the windows overlook the landscaped gardens. When I open them up I can smell the honeysuckle and meyer lemon blossoms, and the cottonwood fuzzies float by on a breeze.


I am there, in this house, pouring my coffee, and I can hear the click of my cup on the countertop, I can feel the weave of my robe on my skin, I can see the light pouring over the sill. Then Kenny comes in, with the dogs on his heel, the tap of their little toenails close behind him. He kisses me lightly and says good morning, and pours his coffee too. Then I sit at the table while he makes breakfast, whistling merrily as he does. A buckeye in wholegrain toast this morning, perhaps with avocado, or sunflower sprouts.


We sit and eat together, and talk about our next adventure. We’re off to someplace wonderful, just next week. All the arrangements have been made, and we can’t wait. We make jokes about the dogs, and put words in their mouths, and sing silly songs about them and what they’re thinking.


Then, as Kenny does, he takes the jokes to the extreme, and says something blunt and/or inappropriate, and I gasp and roll my eyes, and we laugh. Then he kisses my cheek and heads out to load his boat, cause he’s going fishing for the day. And in my mind in that moment, I can already see his joy out on the water. It is his heart song, and it lights me up just to see it, and him in his element.


He whistles out the door, and I go to fill my cup. I’ve got a full day in my element too. I’ll be talking to one of my beloved clients in an hour, and then share a new aha I had in my current course group after that. Later I’ll finish up our travel plans, and have dinner and watch movies and be cozy, and silly, and fun. And maybe tomorrow we’ll argue over something tender, or miscommunicate or disagree, and I’ll laugh through tears at the end of it, like I do, and we’ll wake up again to something new… for we are partners. Not here to fulfill eachother, save eachother, or to always be on the same exact page… but to simply BE together through the pages. To fulfill and save ourselves, and have a companion along for the ride.


It’s just another ordinary, extraordinary day in the life.


I share this dream with you, because it’s mostly already true besides the house. Besides the travel to wherever I want, whenever I want. And that will come.


But I share this with you because it has been my deepest terror, that in growing towards the house and the travel, and the money that’s required for me to do so, the “home” that I already have would be lost. Somehow. Some way. I am a child of divorce, and this is my trauma. That trauma was over LONG ago, but there is still a part of me that plays it on repeat in an attempt to keep me safe and small.


We all have a fear tape that plays in our head, and it’s the one that is based on our  own experience. That fear tape says different stuff for different people, but it’s designed to keep you where you are. It’s designed to stop you from growing and from trying because it’s not safe, according to the fear. 


And so your vision goes dead in its tracks. Because you’re scared. Your mind says, if I do that, THIS is gonna happen (insert whatever your trauma is). For years, this went on subconsciously for me, I didn’t consciously think about that, ever. It didn’t become conscious until a few years ago, and now I know what I’m dealing with.


I share this with you, because this fear tape doesn’t just disappear. Not for me, not yet. But you do begin to see it as just the fear tape that it is.


It’s like that message that was playing on a loop from a french woman on an old radio signal in the jungle on the show LOST. Remember that? In their attempt to explore the island, they picked up a message on their receiver (ie: as you attempt to explore and surpass the bounds of your own inner landscape, you pick up new frequencies, and old fears and warnings that are trying to keep you safe). The message was made 30 years ago, based on scary stuff that was happening on the island at that time, but now it’s just an old tape playing on repeat ad infinitum and broadcast out into the abyss.


The reality on that tape is no longer your reality, the things that were happening then, are not happening now. But it SEEMS like it is. It seems real and it seems present and seems TERRIFYING. And just like that french woman on the old tape on Lost… it’s been sending out a distress signal on repeat for decades saying… “you are not safe. This is not safe.”


For me, it was always playing in the background. But I did not hear it really until I dared to venture out. I didn’t pick up the signal until I went beyond my comfy current boundary. And then the signal came BLARING through. “DANGER Will Robinson!” 😄 


So yes, I want my house, and my travel and my freedom and all the money that that will take, but not more than I want my HOME. My family. My loves. And as long as I believe I might lose that, I will keep that next level at least somewhat at bay. Thankfully the tape doesn’t play much anymore, but it still does pop up like a little devil from time to time just to scare the pants off me. 


But here’s the truth. That tape didn’t start playing at the divorce. It doesn’t actually start playing at certain events, ages, or traumas. It just gets LOUDER at those times, and much more convincing. The truth is it started the day you were born. It started the moment you came into this world, and you slowly but surely stacked up messages about who and what you were allowed to be, and who and what you weren’t allowed to be. And every painful thing that happened, just seemed to confirm those messages were true.


What we really want is to make ourselves a home.


To make ourselves a home INSIDE, and outside. Because home is where you’re allowed to be all of you. Home is what we came in knowing, and then forgot, and now must remember.


And as we start picking back up those pieces of ourselves that we cast out… the dreamer, the show-off, the one who believed they were magic, the outspoken one, the one who said “look at me!”, the one who didn’t back down, the one who didn’t self-diminish and people please and apologize for being… the fear tape starts playing louder.


A silent question arises in you: “am I allowed to be all of me without punishment? It sure didn’t feel that way before. Is a smoke-monster gonna come out of the jungle and take me out?!!” (thanks for the endless metaphors, LOST 😄)


I share this with you because this is a NORMAL part of the process. But it’s just an old tape, just the same. It is not more powerful than that. It seems really powerful and really real when you’re in it, but it is STILL and only an old tape.


The more I have normalized this tape, the more I can stay with myself during these storms, where everything is distorted with fear and feels unfamiliar and scary. Each time I grow and expand to a new level within myself, it comes up. It’s a signal to me that I’ve crossed a new boundary I previously didn’t dare.


My hope is that as I vulnerably share my dreams AND the nightmares that try to hold me from my dreams, you may see yourself in them, and give yourself permission to set yourself free too.


Because I deserve the home AND the house. The love AND the money. The safety and security AND the freedom.


And so do you. 


So what does your dream look like? And what is your decades old tape on repeat?? What is your french woman broadcasting through the jungle? And how is that keeping you from your dream?  


Don’t let it. 


I repeat: it’s just an old tape. Start a new tape. Write your own story. Send a NEW message out to the jungles of your heart. See what happens. Feel into the details of your dream. It’s closer than you think.    




P.S. Want more money, more time and more freedom on YOUR TERMS? Watch my FREE 👉  Permission To Thrive Workshop 👈  on how to do just that! 





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