The road home to yourself and your truth is a tricky one. Because it goes two ways at once!
As an eternal being, this road is always, and simultaneously, stretching in and stretching out. Expanding infinitely and unfolding outward, and returning to its center.
All. At. Once.
What a trip!
Literally! and metaphorically. 😂 🧳 🚌
Because of this, everything in your life is a symbol and reflection of your relationship to – YOURSELF. The outward is always leading you inward, and vice versa.
As you all well know, if you’ve been in my space for a while, money is one of my roads home. Why?? Because it is one of the areas that I felt MOST limited by and un-free within my life. And the most ashamed of and shamed by. It was not the only area, of course, but one of the big ones.
But what I know is that what triggers me and causes me the most pain… is the dragon I need to befriend.
The top two things I have used in my life to measure my value and success as a human being were my body size/weight and money. And being chubby and broke on the feast or famine rollercoaster of business for most of my life was NOT helping my cause. 😆 😂
So I went to battle with those two things all my life. Trying to prove I was NOT THAT. Trying to prove I was in control and in charge and a successful human being with my ability to lose weight (and promptly gain it all back) and be successful in my career (and then tank for months or have all the money get wiped out).
But battle was not the answer.
Battle is ONLY the answer if you want to keep doing battle!
If you want to do battle for the rest of your life, then by all means… battle.
But if you want to have peace in your body, mind, and soul, ACCEPTANCE and LOVE is the only way to begin. If you do acceptance and love instead of battle? You get… acceptance and love.
For me, that began with accepting and loving the part of me that DID love money, and loved having money and being able to do the things I wanted to do in my life that required money. Rather than pretending not to care about it, or trying to pretend it DIDN’T matter to me and my happiness and yet simultaneously was all-important to my survival and well-being and to how “well” I was doing in my life, as I had been raised to believe. I had to get clear on that whole mess.
Then I had to love and accept that I was a “failure” at that. That I had chosen the path of my creative spirit AGAIN and AGAIN in my life, and it had “cost me” my thriving, and of course it did, because again, that is what we are taught to believe.
But I still had to love and accept myself in that losing, because as long as I place my value in those numbers, I’ll be at the mercy of those numbers and always battling for my worth.
It was the same with my weight and my body. I had to learn to let myself BE. And I had to learn to love myself through that discomfort.
It’s funny the American saying we have, “she really let herself go.” It’s designed to be cruel and to shame people by pointing at weakness. But it actually points to a deeper strength. Most often, people who let themselves “go” simply let a version of themselves go. They let a performance go that they were trying to keep up. And they finally just let themselves BE.
Which can look messy sometimes! And not up to “standard.”
And yet… it is worthy of love.
Because I, and you, and every being is worthy of love at all times. Because you ARE love. And the sooner you come back to that truth instead of stuffing yourself into boxes of “lovability,” the more rich and deeply fulfilling your life will be, in every regard.
In order to not let either one of these things rule my life and my value, I had to both embrace them and release them, more than I ever had, all at once!
It doesn’t really make any logical sense, but that is what this journey home has been.
I had to embrace my broke-ness and my richness, my money and my lack of money, my fatness and my thinness, my beauty and my ugliness, my high-achiever and my loser, and anything and everything in between.
The way back to myself was always BOTH sides of the spectrum, never one. If we’ve been doing personal development, healing, or on the spiritual journey for ANY amount of time, we tend to know this, but we do NOT always tend to DO this. 😉
We tend to NOT love the one who cares a great deal about money or success, OR about the one who doesn’t. We tend to NOT love the one who doesn’t eat a perfect diet and isn’t a perfect size or perfect picture, OR we tend to hate and resent the ones that ARE—or seem to be.
It still amazes me how much I can know this from a very deep place, and yet my mind still attempts to categorize me into one thing or the other – “do you want to lead people to the truth of their heart and soul or do you want to help them with money Sunni?! Figure it out!!”
And the answer is always right in my face all the while – BOTH!
I intend to help people with BOTH because that is what I want for me. I want to follow the truth of my heart and soul and not let money stop me from doing that. And unfortunately, that’s what money so often does in our current time and world.
But I differ from many other mentors and coaches in that the only results I am promising you with any of my work is more of wonderful, amazing, YOU.
Why? Because I know that your higher self and heart and soul know what to do to get you where you want to go in life, even when your conscious mind doesn’t! I know it, and I trust it like I trust there are stars in the sky.
I’m not gonna promise you control of any kind. I’ve spent too long in the pain of trying to control myself to subject you to any more of that mess.
All I’m ever offering you is an invitation to discover more of the magic that is YOU.
And that is worth more than all the money in the world.
And yet includes all the money in the world in it!
See what I mean about those opposites?
The road home to ourselves is both in and out, back and forth, right and left, up and down, round and round… all at once.
It has been my experience that you can have all the things you love, when you start bringing love to all the parts of you that you don’t love.