Why We’re Afraid Of Success

Last night I had a dream there was a Mountain Lion in my house. 

The doors were open, so it had gotten in, and Haddie was the first one to alert me (If we’re not familiar, Haddie is my sweet little nervous-nelly chihuahua). I was terrified the Mountain Lion would kill Haddie and scooped him up, and terrified it would kill my family too.

But it didn’t kill them. Or me. 

It was fierce and unintimidated. It walked right by us without fanfare or apology, and I opened the back screen door to let it out. It walked out unhurriedly and stood beneath a giant old Oak tree, unmoved and unencumbered by my fear.

If you’re not savvy to dream analysis, this Mountain Lion is of course, myself. It is the part of myself that is also wild, fearless, powerful and unintimidated.

Mountain lions are not meek. They do not take their meal and then say sorry. Mountain lions know what they want and get it. They are agile and intelligent, and have an almost unnerving calm about them. They are quick when they need to be, and cool as a cucumber the rest of the time. They are beautiful. 

But they are also a threat to your safety.

This dream is my subconscious mind doing me the kindness of showing me what I’m still carrying. What I’m running from. What I’m trying to lock out. This powerful part of me, this unapologetic female (feline).

Why do I try to lock her out? Because I’m afraid this part of me will kill my sweet little nervous self (the part of me that’s like Haddie, a part which I love and adore), and will kill my entire home and family too (whom I also love and adore like crazy). 

I try to lock her out because I think I’ll lose these things I treasure.

This is my trauma talking though. It is my own personal history, yes, but this is also a world view. This message is OUT THERE, in many shapes and forms.

In what ways have YOU learned what happens to a woman who owns her power and her wanting? What have you witnessed? What have you seen on movies or tv? What have you seen in your world? When they gain a certain level of success, what do they LOSE?

There is a part of my brain that STILL (even though I know better!) is terrified this part of me will kill my family, and the sweet and loveable ‘Haddie’ parts of me, I want to keep.

But I would like to point out to you, and to myself, that my subconscious brain was also showing me something else, something it REALLY wanted me to know… and that was that his part DIDN’T kill my family, or Haddie, or me.

It didn’t even ATTACK. It just walked in, and walked out, and it wanted me to know it could come in any time it wanted, and could go out again just as easily.

That’s what this powerful part of us does. She comes and goes as is needed or necessary. She freakin’ rules the place when she wants to, and then lazily strides right back out to stand in the shade of a giant Oak — shooting you back a look that tells you she can come back in if she wants — and you won’t be keeping her out, so don’t even try.

You can make yourself panicked and crazy if you want, but she doesn’t recommend it. 😉

I looked at her out that screen door, still holding tight to my little sweet fragile self (Haddie), and she looked right back at me from under that Oak unflinchingly, as if to say…this is what is made when you let me in.

Oaks symbolize a deeply rooted strength, wisdom, and provision for all. It makes cooling shade, and a soft place to land. It makes oxygen to breathe, leaves to nourish the soil, and acorns to eat and be buried by squirrels, which grows new Oaks, all across the land.

It’s no mistake in the dream that only AFTER she comes through and owns the house does there appear a mighty Oak out back. Why out back? Front yards are for other people, for passers-by. But back yards are private sanctuaries. Which means this oak is for me and my family.

It grows BECAUSE I allow my power to move through. Just as YOURS will too. Those leaves will clean the air for everyone. Those roots will hold the earth. Those acorns will be carried away by eager little squirrels and buried all over the land, and they will grow many other big strong Oaks as a result… all from the peaceful sanctuary of your back yard.

My point with all this is that you likely won’t stop being afraid to stand out, to shine, to be in your power or success, at least not any time soon. Those scars run deep, and they’ll burn from time to time.

But it’s okay to let her move through anyway.
She won’t take down your house.

She’ll grow you an oak. A mighty strong oak.
To feed you, and yours, for a lifetime.

❤

xo,
Sunni