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I had a big aha that came with a big ugly cry recently and it was so good I had to share it with you. I go into more detail about this in an episode in my Fulfillment First Private Podcast, but I wanted to share the gist of it here because these kinds of distinctions can be SO HUGE.
So the long and short of it is that I thought all this time that the thing I was trying to avoid being or feeling or becoming or being seen as was a “failure” but it turned out that that wasn’t it at all, the thing I was REALLY avoiding was being seen as a “loser”, and there is a big difference.
Once I saw that it was actually ‘loser’ and not ‘failure’ that’s when the tears came, suddenly like a thousand things clicked into place at once like one of those scenes in a movie when every piece of the puzzle comes together in the persons mind all of a sudden. The “Loser” judgment was all wrapped up with shame, tons of shame for so so so many things. All those things played out before my eyes, so many freaking things.
It was painful but at the same time it was the sweetest relief. To just let this “loser” part of me come HOME. To stop denying her, pushing her to the back, trying to hide her, avoid her, and get rid of her, and just let her know that I love her and I’m not going anywhere anymore. ❤️ And I saw all the incredible gifts the ‘loser’ part gave to me because she was the rule breaker who allowed me to discover my own way in life, go outside the lines, and try and experiment with my life in my own time and way.
“Loser” is just a judgement, not a real identity, but saying “you’re not a loser, you’re amazing!” just doesn’t work for me, that still feels like stress to me, like something I have to run to keep up. I needed that at one time, don’t get me wrong! Before I could hold this part of myself completely with love. But now, when I just bring home these parts of myself I’ve been running from it’s peace.
I had been spending so much energy avoiding that identity, and when I stopped avoiding it at first it felt like deflated at first. Because when something that WAS driving you stops driving you (like insufficiency, trying to prove something, or avoiding a certain judgement or outcome) it can feel like someone let all the air out of your balloon for a bit…
This is a normal and natural part of the process. What was propelling you is no longer propelling you, and soon enough the greater self-love and self-acceptance that you have now embodied will be the thing that takes its place. But for a minute you might feel like you’ve lost your mojo. You haven’t. It is re-orienting that’s all. ❤️
But after that, there was all this space and in that space bubbled up this incredible recognition of all the totally freaking amazing things I have done and created in my life. All of a sudden I had a whole new appreciation for so many things I had completely overlooked because how COULD I see those things when I was attached to the identity of ‘loser’ (because anything we avoid like the plague we’re attached to 😅).
And because of that I was able to see with total certainty that the things that I am working on now will also be totally freaking amazing and come into being just as all those other things did. And the only reason I can claim that certainty so fully is because I am not afraid of being a loser anymore. Will it hurt if I feel that or am called that or seen that way? Of course! But will it destroy me and my self-worth and make me quit on myself and my dreams for my life. NOPE. Never.
I didn’t know that before this though. I was still ready to quit on myself to avoid having to feel that pain of ‘loser’. Because what that really was so much shame that I was holding still, but now that shame has been more fully felt, and now I don’t have to avoid it anymore and I’m freeeeeeee. 🥹 ❤️💕
I posted the list of all of things I am celebrating that I have created on my Instagram stories the other day and I also go over it in my Fulfillment First private pod, but hot DAMN am I proud of me. Loser-y bits and winner-y bits and every damn thing in between. 🥰 😂 And I wish the very same for you, sweet pea.
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PREREQUISITES: You know that your reality reflects your beliefs about it, and that your perception of yourself and life shapes your reality and experience of it. You accept responsibility for your choices and reality, and are ready to set yourself free by examining those beliefs (in the privacy of your own home/space).
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