There’s a dream I’ve had for a long time now…
A dream that hasn’t come true yet, but is in the process of coming true. This dream means so much to me, on such a deep level that I don’t even fully understand, a dream that every time I visualize it or even think about it (which is daily), tears start streaming down my face.
Not sad tears. But grateful tears.
The kind of tears that come when you feel something is so precious and beautiful and so deeply meaningful to your heart and soul that you cannot contain it, and it just spills right over and out of your eyes. It’s like a mixture of love and joy and sadness and sweetness and all the things all at once. There are no words for that feeling, but that’s the feeling I get when I think of it.
I call this dream “our sanctuary.”
It is of the property and home I want for us. It is on 10-20 acres of the most beautiful land I’ve ever seen. It is private and quiet and filled with gorgeous trees, flowers, gardens, and stunning landscaping. It is wild but well taken care of. The home and outbuildings were lovingly crafted and restored by artisans who attended to every detail with thoughtfulness and care. It is filled with unique and one-of-a-kind elements, from the doors and beams to the lights and knobs. The home and its parts have been reclaimed and restored, and made new.
There is a pool with natural river rock and an infinity edge that looks out into the trees and the land. Because I love to swim SO much and have been a water baby to the core since I was born, this will make my heart and body so happy. The pool is heated so I can swim year-round, and there is a hot tub because Kenny is a hot-water lover and a soaker more than a swimmer. 😄✨
Rivers and lakes and oceans are all very near, if not visible, and the property gets the most divine winds and breezes that brush through like silk to my soul. It smells of roses and flowers and herbs, pine and cedar and stone and soil.
I have my quiet nook and cozy chair inside where I write and create and look out the windows and listen to the crickets and the birds. My love comes to kiss my forehead and refill my water or tea (as he does) on his way out to his workshop or to a day of fishing.
The home and our lives are filled with love, lots of laughter, and deeply rooted peacefulness. There is intimacy with the divine, with ourselves, and with each other. We love what we do, and we do what we love. Life is not perfect or expected to be, but we love our life, and this adventure in and through it—and are so grateful for every day we get to discover. Even when they’re hard.
This is my sanctuary.
This is the sanctuary I am building in my vision.
Right now, we do not live in that house. Not by a mile. Right now, we live in a 1936 bungalow that we bought 17 years ago at the height of the market here in California, right before it crashed. It is not updated, remodeled, or expertly designed in any way. It is small, it is too close to neighbors and town for our liking, and it has what we call a 2-butt kitchen—which means about 2 people fit in the kitchen before it feels crowded. 😂🤣
It is far from perfect or perfect looking, but it is cozy and sweet, and it’s our own. It has held us in safety, love, and comfort for all of these years, it has watched my son grow up, our beloved fur-babies be born and pass away, it has seen and held every hug, every tear, every fight, every laugh, every disconnection and every reconnection we’ve been through. And I am so grateful to this house for every second of its love.
Some people might look at the amount of money I have made over the years and think, “why haven’t you moved yet?!!”.
And the answer to that is because, here in California and the Pacific Northwest, our sanctuary is likely going to be anywhere from $1.5M – $3M+, and I am not there yet (or close). And while I COULD have just ‘upgraded’ us to something else at many points, either by remodeling this house we’re in now or moving into another better one on the WAY to my forever home and sanctuary, I haven’t, because I’d rather get there when I get there.
Because I know our sanctuary is out there, and it is also in its process of becoming, and it is and will be more perfect for us than I even can imagine or dare to dream right now.
And I’m happy to wait for it, and for us, to catch up to that truth, and to meet each other in exactly the moment we were meant to. And in that moment, it will be like a homecoming, because that home was meant to hold us, just as this one was. And we will know each other at first sight.
So in the meantime, I live my freest and most beautiful life here. I live how I want us to live there, here, as much as I can, not in surroundings but in FEELING. In BEING. I live into the spaciousness and lightness of it NOW, from here. I live into the natural, peaceful beauty of it NOW, from here. I live into the ease and nourishing presence of it NOW, from here. I live into what I want to be doing there, HERE, now, as much as I can.
Because the thing is…
I am the sanctuary.
The home I am building in my vision is myself. It is all I wish to be and embody. It is how I wish to feel from the inside out.
And as I become that right here and right now… somewhere, someone is building that sanctuary.
As I plant the roots and seeds and bloom in my own life… somewhere, someone is planting the actual roots and seeds that will be the burgeoning flowers outside my window.
I am the spaciousness. The peacefulness. The ease and the deep rich connection. I am the wild and well-kept beauty. The nourishing presence to myself and others. The thoughtful and intentional care to every detail. I am all of the things, and becoming all of the things, that that home and property symbolize to me.
I can be that here, as much as I can there. And when I truly can, that is when I’ll meet it.
I could meet it before then, many people do! You don’t need to be or feel all (or even any) of that before you meet your dream home. People do it all the time! But the thing is, it wouldn’t FEEL like a dream then. It would feel exactly the same. It would feel like a dream for maybe a few weeks or a month, and then it would feel like either: work, a burden, or just ‘normal.’
But if you make the FEELING and BEING state of that sanctuary your “normal,” then the home can come and go and add to the beauty. Not make it. Not break it. Just exist alongside it, as a beautiful addition to the truth you already feel.
And that is because there is no amount of beauty, freedom, wealth, or success that could ever make you feel worthy of those things.
And THAT is because worthiness is not something you can get. It’s not something you can build. It’s not something you can add, or even subtract.
Worthiness is the perfect wholeness at the center of your being. It is always there, it has always been there, and it always will be. It is more than your birthright. It is who you are, it is BEING itself, and the only thing you can do with it is to recognize it and to recognize and be willing to release all of the pain around it that has buried it.
Notice I said “be willing to release”, and not “to release.”
Pain is like a river. It moves its own way and of its own accord. I cannot ask you, or me, to release pain. If we knew how to do that, it would be done.
It moves its own way for each soul and each person’s journey. It has its own wisdom and timing and way of releasing for each soul. So all you have to do is be willing… and open. To make it your intent, and let go of the how and when. The exact same way you manifest anything.
Worthiness at its most basic and stripped-down level is essentially: the right to BE. The right to exist. It’s a misnomer in my eyes, because the word itself pre-supposes there is someone else who can grant you the right to it. To deem you worthy or not. To be better than you and to judge you.
But the only thing that judges us, is us.
We do it to ourselves and to each other. It’s not God. It’s not Source. It’s not the Universe. It’s human conditioning. It’s history. It’s confusion. It’s stories we’ve heard and made true. And just as we made them true, we can make them untrue. We can rediscover the inherent worthiness at the center of us, and we can LIVE FROM THAT CENTER.
That is what it is to live the overflow. The source point of all creation. The divine exhalation. And the inhalation too.
So my sanctuary is currently being built.
As I sit here and breathe, writing this and listening to the wind blow through the trees outside my window, somewhere, someone is laying the tile that my feet will someday touch. They are tending the baby rose bushes that will be at their full maturity when I get there. Installing the big picture-windows that are aligned just perfectly with the afternoon breezes, so I can open them up and feel the magic pour through.
And all I have to do is sit here and hold this dream in my heart, and continue to uncover the natural peace and ease that lives deep within me right now.
Why? Because when I do that, what naturally happens is I start to take more and more of the steps towards that dream that I need to… because I’m finally choosing my own way and the path of my least resistance, instead of trying to force myself to do things that I hate and believing it will pay off with my eventual ease and joy.
That is what happens when you START with the payoff and work out. You uncover the ease and joy right here inside, and you let it lead the way.
All this to say… you’re the sanctuary you seek. You are whatever dream you are holding in your heart.
Do yourself a favor and take your big vision and your big dream and write it out. What are the qualities of it? Whatever the qualities of that dream are… that’s what you’re becoming. And as you become that, your dream will be revealed.
And if you’d like my help with that and to join me and others doing the same, you can either:
• Buy my new book Rich In Love
which is out now in hard cover and ebook on Amazon, Apple Books, Barnes & Noble, and all the online booksellers »